then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
