there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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