i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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