Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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