In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
