so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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