i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
