mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
