you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
