I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
