Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
