Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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