i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
