Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
