Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
