Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize