dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
