We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i dont even know how to be here
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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