At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
