we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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