You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
