Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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