Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
