I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
