Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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