The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
