Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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