You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
