I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Found the puke drawer
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
