It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
