If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
