He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sorry my hands just texted you
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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