I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
