fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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