They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
North Korea, Best Korea!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
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