meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
