wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
