I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
