We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
