I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
