I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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