I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
