Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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