It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
