i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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