Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
