i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I did not marry a roomba.
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