I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it hurts more in the daytime
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
