You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
