i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
