half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
