The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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